day 14: primavera

i should have started this before.

i want to mention the most hilarious thing i have done here, as a sort of preface. brandon and i got very lost one day while walking luna. it was especially stressful because we had only just arrived a couple days previous and we were supposed to meet a girl that is a friend of a friend of a friend who was willing to help us adjust, meet with us even though it was completely out of the way and she was probably too busy to bother. in any case, as we wandered the dusk streets of buenos aires, recognizing no street names, crossing diagonal after diagonal street, i felt worse and worse. we were walking my dog, thus it was my fault we were lost. so i asked someone if he knew how to get to (insert the street name of our temporary apartment). he gave me the most puzzled look i had seen since i arrived here. hmm. i thought, is my spanish that bad? is it my accent? what the hell?! nonetheless, quite frustrating. and still lost. so i asked someone else, and they gave me the exact same puzzled, perhaps offended look. i looked at brandon, slightly scared that no one would be able to help us. we eventually found someone who gave us vague directions back to a place we recognized and could navigate our way back to the apartment.
here is what happened. our apartment is on a street called Estado de Israel. so i was going around asking people: donde esta Estado de Israel. translation: where is the state of israel? this is a very political and personal question, and why is a person asking strangers about such a controversial topic on the streets at dusk? these people are just waiting for the bus. they just want to go home.
my bad. what i meant to say was: donde esta la avenida Estado de Israel? (where is avenue Estado de Israel?)

since then, things have been up and down. i knew it would happen. the helpless feelings, the homesickness (but where is my home, really?), the discouragement. i often rely on the red wine (malbec, delicious and cheap) when i feel those things. and brandon, too. a person alone would have a much harder time existing through this without the companionship of their best friend--for me, a person who i can trust with my best and worst emotional states, who can laugh with me with the same force (full stomach laughter) about our mistakes and runs of bad luck, as well as the odd fashion decisions of many pedestrians we have passed.

the situation that i currently feel after two weeks: i am unsure. i will at least stay here until march. this is the point when i will run out of savings and have to return back to the states with enough money to also have a life there (move to portland, OR, probably!). the job situation is sticky. if we can find jobs here, they will be quite low-paying, perhaps not enough to support ourselves. the reason for this is because summer is about to begin and the people here chill out for the summer, because it is so hot, and because it is summer. they don't take english classes. many people leave. any decent job prospects for us begin in feb-march. another option is online work. we met a girl here who is doing just that. she helps college kids in the states revise their papers. it pays 10/hr usd. which is good. if even one of us could get this job, we could survive for a long time. if we wanted to. im still not sure if i would stay here longer. we shall see.

at the very least, i will be here until march. i will be working as a full-time poet. i will be working on a publishable manuscript. i will be ready to submit to contests and publishing houses when i return. i will be ready to apply for PhD programs and fellowships.

my least favorite part about buenos aires is the dog food. luna is used to having very high end food, full of nutrients and protein etc.. they have nothing of the sort here.
but i spent the day at a huge park in palermo, reading cortazar in the shade of a big tree. and i thought i could stay here for a long time. brandon and i had fresh bread and a bottle of wine. we were happy-- sitting there, reading. it seemed like life was exactly as it should be.

the reality is that we need to find an apartment soon. very soon. im above average in confidence that we will find somewhere. we are looking at a promising shared place (with Argentinians) on friday.